Saturday, October 14, 2006

when everything seems to be broken

it's been 2 months.
2 bad months.
i'm really happy and grateful to liyan, jas and wini for their everlasting support towards my passion of spiderman. thank you tons for the magnetic bookmarks and the stickers. i love you guys! and i love my dearest platoonmates too... for your everlasting support and love.


nothing ever seems to go right.
first, i'm battling an internal injury which no one would ever understand, hence i'll never intend to tell. it's painful but it's no one else's but my fault. sometimes you really must make the right decision even at the wrong time. cause usually the deicision overrules. but what's the point in wallowing when it's been so long and so painful. as long as elsewhere rainbows are appearing, i guess there's really nothing else we can ever do but smile and wave. it hurts but no one really cares.


second, you will never ever know what shit i'm going through. the pressure building up is unresonable and uncalled for. i don't understand my results this time round. for the first time in two years, i actually felt ridiculous towards my results. cause i worked hard, even though it's last minute. but i did try to concentrate in school, i really did. and for the amount of effort i put in, i really don't understand why i'm still given this results. then, my parents don't give a thought that the shit besides academics that i'm going through is sucking the last bit of soul out of me.
i am now cold and hard. even though i may not show it. i don't have the passion for the things i do anymore. cause i really don't see the point in doing so.
why work hard when you achieve the same results as when you are not working hard?
it just doesn't make sense.


third, i'm no superhero, though i want to be one. i can't fly into they sky. i can't leap off buildings. i can't take on bad guys. i can't save others' lives. i can't carry all the load on my shoulders.
it's getting really heavy and really annoying. i'm only human. as much as i would like to carry everything and life everything up, i just can't do so. and no matter how hard i try, i never will.
even heroes have the right to live. so a normal human being like me deserve that too, don't i?
i didn't ask for what's given to me. i didn't want it. i was given a choice which i chose only because i didn't want any other unnecessary troubles or problems. but all is too late now to change, isn't it?


fourth, i am so not looking forward to the coming holidays. firstly, there is not going to be one. secondly, i'm having 2B and 3G chalets on the EXACT SAME DAYS. can you believe it? i need a genius to come up with a machine to split me into two.


i'm going to be totally honest.
i'm not getting enough sleep.
i'm not happy.
i'm really stressed out.
i hate the world.
i hate my current situation and life.
i know i sound really melodramatic right now.
but i'm angry, pissed, sad and alone.
it's only a matter of time before i break down and you'll never see the end of me.


the end of the world is coming, mind you.
i just saw that there's an october snowstorm in newyork. SNOW IN OCTOBER.
the floods in the yuannam highlands. FLOODING in the HIGHLANDS.
it's going to happen in our time.
so i say to myself: what a wonderful world.
PEACE.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 10/14/2006 09:58:00 PM