Saturday, January 31, 2009

one bad day, many bad things.

i don't mean to be so crabby and upset at every post i write.
i want to post about happy things too.
but for that to happen,
happy things have to come.
but my life is nothing happy.
far from happy.

and bad things seem to attract bad things.
when something bad happens,
more will follow.

i have lost 3 nights of sleep.
and i'm extremely tired now,
but i know that if i don't vent now,
i'll probably suffer a stroke or heart attack in my sleep.
and never wake up.

not that i want to,
i sometimes believe that it's my time to go up.
but i know it's not,
so no worries, or rather for some, unfortunately,
i'm not going up anytime soon.
God won't allow me in either.
i haven't suffered enough.

my teacher picked on me in class today.
i had to miss the train at sengkang which is bloodily far from the west.
i had to walk all the way to marina square cause of the damned chingay preview.
i had to walk all the way from marina square to stamford road to get a bus home.
only to miss two buses in a row.
all this while being tired after training and lugging my stuff along.

i'm over being bitter.
i think i made that quite clear in an earlier post.
i don't want to be bitter,
and i know how not to.
but i can't help feeling totally disregarded and invisible.

tomorrow i predict will be worse.
i am 'proud' to say that I, ME, have made a total cuckold out of MYSELF again.
by agreeing to be responsible for things i am not capable of.

i am way behind in coming up with a thesis.
i have my homework to complete, which i just DO NOT have the time to do.
my practices and training sessions are on a daily basis.
my mother is so not helping:
with her constant naggings and unhelpfulness.
i am only human.

i want to split myself up too.
but i know that i can't.
and even if i can,
no one will even notice me.
for i am just one insignificant person.
i didn't mean to pile up my schedule again,
but i just had to.
i don't have a choice.

how does it feel to treasure something more than others?

how does it feel to treasure someone more than how much the other treasures you?

how does it feel to be expected by others to do something...
and then fails?

how does it feel to be just a substitute till something better comes along?

how does it feel when your efforts are just taken for granted?

how does it feel to be left behind?

how does it feel to be not appreciated?
i sometimes wish i had a cold heart.
that way i won't be such a busybody.
and poke in places i should have just left alone.
or interfere in affairs i should just not step into.
or care so much that i only make myself upset and disappointed.

i want to be indifferent,
maybe then i'll have time for myself,
and start to appreciate myself better.

but that won't happen,
cause i'm just plain stupid.
unless someone or something hurts me really bad.
or rather some oneS or some thingS.

i am halfway towards having no heart at all now.
so why do i still feel the hurt and the pain?

peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/31/2009 12:55:00 AM

Sunday, January 25, 2009

shame on me.

i realized my grandma's better at soccer than me.
way better.

if you want confirmation,
you can just ask my teammates..
i'll bet you guys had a joy out of my 'graceful antics' today.

man, just what wrong is with my darn legs.
they're like two sticks that can't co-ordinate.
wait,
they call it two left feet.

anyway, the reason my grandma's better at soccer:
she was teaching me how to score today.
can you believe it?
my 69 year old grandma.

she was telling me how she managed to fool the goalie that day at this carnival.
apparently she faked a movement to the left.
poor goalie under-estimated the prowess of this old granny,
and my grandma scored on the right.

my gosh.
perhaps i should get her to disguise as me.
i won't be surprised if she beats me in a game.
given her fighting competitive spirit,
she'll be sure to win any game.

sigh,
if i only have half her aggresiveness.

peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/25/2009 05:41:00 PM

Saturday, January 24, 2009

and it gets better... i hope.

i was reading this daily devotional article.
i guess God really works wonder in the most miraculous ways.
at least He listens.

i'm feeling better than last night.
maybe sometimes pouring things out make things not as tough as it is.
or whatever.

i still think life's tough,
but i'm glad i've got someone up there to look out for me.
and to keep me sane.

not saying that things are settled,
but i'm more emotionally and mentally stable.
i think i can and i will get through all these shit crap soon.
just need some time to take it easy.

anyway, the article for friday was on bitterness.
i think i was bitter yesterday.
scratched that:
i was screwed bitter.

and the article reminded me of weight of bitterness.
and i'll pray that He can relieve and free me of it.

and thanks clement,
for your wise words.
haha, i'll think about your naggings.
way better to listen to compared to my mother's anyway.

yea, i guess all i really need was assurance,
and perhaps a little acknowledgement of my efforts.
i mean, not acknowledgements from anyone,
but acknowledgements for myself to know that i'm doing the right things.
and on the right track.

Gerrard's trial won't be till march 20,
and till then,
i'll work hard and to the best of my ability.

all i hope is for me to have the strength and stamina to live it through.
and i guess it's all up to God above.

peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/24/2009 01:59:00 PM

Friday, January 23, 2009

life's like that.

my blog is often not updated.
but this month has been a surprisingly updated month.
i know most of you'll only visit my blog when:
a) you've got nothing better to do, why not check out yitong's blog to see if she's still alive,
b) eh well, i guess that was it...

for my friends who are reading this,
this post is just me ranting.
so take it lightly,
for i'm probably going to say some things that will probably make you guys confused,
upset,
concerned,
or maybe even disappointed.

but i really have got to let this out.
i'm tired,
i'm pissed,
and i'm seriously on the verge of breaking down.

the only reason i'm keeping my act together,
or trying to,
is 'cause i don't want you guys to worry.
i want to try to ride this one out myself.
i really don't mean to shut any of you up.
but i think if i were to talk to you guys,
i'll probably feel bad about making you guys worry.
and i know how busy everyone is,
so all the more i don't want to take up your time.

this is to all those who care,
if you see this,
this is what i'm going through.
i'm posting this publicly cause not many will see this,
plus i'm trusting only you guys to understand what i'm going through.
and i'm letting you in on what's going on,
so that you'll understand my reasons for not talking.
and also to tell you that i'll be ok.
or at least i hope so...

i honestly was praying for a good year.
but so far, the past 23 days were total crap.
i don't know if it's just expectations which i'm not living up to,
thus making me feel horrible.
or if my life this year will just be a hard and tedious one.

i am not coping well, guys.
i am going to be torn apart pretty soon.
but i don't want to give anything up.
because i've cleaned out all the things i don't care.
and all i'm left with are the ones i do.
which are quite enough to keep me on my toes at all times.

i've got my reasons for not giving any up.
but sometimes i really feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.
cause things just wouldn't go the way i want them to.
and it's at such times that the notion of giving up enters.
cause there didn't seem to be a point.

i didn't ask to do badly in my studies.
i asked for reasonably good grades and the ability to balance work and play.
i didn't ask to suck at soccer.
i asked for one-eight the confidence of torres.
i didn't ask to be upset.
i asked for laughter and joy.
i didn't ask to have to rush from places to places.
i asked for a perfectly organized schedule.

i tried hard to cheer up,
i really did.
but i just can't bring myself to be truly happy.
the only times i can laugh is when i'm surrounded by you guys.
and once i'm left alone,
and the stupid thoughts run through like bullets in an automated firing.
nothing seems to work on helping me be happy.

and this is my problem.
which i really need to sort out.
and i don't think anyone can help me.
i'm really sorry.

i'm really frustrated.
with myself,
and with my mother.
i KNOW that this year is CRUCIAL.
i KNOW that i EITHER MAKE or BREAK this year.
i KNOW that she's paying for my tuition so i have to make her money worth.
i want to work hard in my academics,
but i want to work hard for soccer, ncc and gor too.

i always wonder how those people do it.
they top the class without even flipping the darn books,
they rise up the ranks to be cca leaders,
then they pile themselves with activities after activities.
and still have time for friends and boy/girlfriends.

i can't even juggle two things.
i'm trying hard to be positive and stop reproaching myself.
but i'm seriously sick and tired.
i'm tired of always not being able to do my best.
i'm tired of being angry and upset.

i'm an idealistic cynic.
or a cynical idealist.
whatever.
oxymoronic as it sounds, i am that split.

i've got all these grand plans.
i know what i want,
or at least i think i know.
i've got a picture of my future.
i know where i want to be.
how my life, my house will be.

but i've always admired cynics.
take chandler from friends, for example.
his cynicism and wry never fails to crack me up.

but my grand plans are always merely plans.
and now, where it becomes crucial every decision i make:
i really don't want to screw things up.

i don't want to have to rebuke myself for a bad game.
i don't want to regret at the end of the year realizing that i can't make it to where i want to be.
i don't want to be upset that i led a lifeless, dead year.

i'm totally at my wit's end now.
and i'm barely holding on.

peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/23/2009 11:18:00 PM

Sunday, January 18, 2009

another week.

and i can't believe i actually have time now to post a blog.
yes, i'm actually sitting in front of the computer,
with all my duties, responsibilities and obligations done.
well, except my homework.
and the freaking math test come jan 22.
mind you, it's already 18 jan and i know shit about differentiation.
and many more.

the reason i can be so laidback is cause there is no training today.
nor was there one yesterday.
i honestly feel guilty when i don't train.
yet when i do,
sometimes i just feel like dying and stopping.

like that day we went for external training.
i was honestly upbeat and ready to move.
but i was seriously darn it pissed with myself as the evening wore on.

sometimes you get the feeling that you aren't doing enough.
sometimes you'll feel you've already done your best.
and then there're times you feel you can do better,
but for some reason you aren't doing so.

and, ladies and gentlemen, this is the feeling i've had the entire week.
and boy, am i frustrated with myself.
time's running out and i still haven't gotten "enlightened".

i feel like i disgraced the people who mattered.
like my dad and mom.
they've been really supportive.
especially my dad recently.
which really makes me want to do well for him.
for those who have no idea what my dad did for me,
he bought me the liverpool home grounds kit.
and even went to get gerrard's number printed.
specially for me.

i want to do well,
i really do.
but sometimes i really wonder.
if there're just some reasons that i can't seem to do it.
or am i just not dedicated enough.
not working hard enough.
not focusing enough.

so when's enough?
and just how much must i put in and give in so that God in Heaven will be touched?
or perhaps He's just planning something which i have absolutely no control over?

and i really wonder what He has in store for me.
perhaps certain things turn out the way they are to allow me to grasp how to deal with certain things.
and certain things just aren't meant to be cause i've already set my mind on something else.

they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
how true, how true..

peace.

p.s. cm, that guy had better be cool and hot.
no freaking way should he disgrace kimi.
no way, man.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/18/2009 02:16:00 PM

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

i have to let this out.

sometimes i really think i'm invisible.
just like today on my way home on the bus.
dang, the woman really didn't see me.
or she's just too not concious of her surroundings.

here's what happened:
i was just standing there on the bus,
leaning against the post.
then this woman stood diagonally in front of me.
as the journey proceeds,
she just kept inching closer and closer to me.
to the extent that i'm breathing down her neck.
literally.

oh my gosh.
can't she be more AWARE.
i mean, she was that close to just leaning on me!
yes, you're tired, woman.
but so's everyone on the stupid bus!
there is ABSOULUTELY no reason for you to treat me like a pole to lean on!
and the fact that you have no idea how close i am amazes me still.
i was breathing on you woman.
and mind you, i'm still a recovering flu patient.
if you get sick really,
all i can say is...
too bad, i'm truly sorry...
that you have no awareness at all!

this is a perfect example of how some people behind you in a queue who just want to kiss your neck.
except, this is from the front.
which makes it weirder,
cause if you were to look at me from the side,
i'll bet i looked traumatised.
especially when we turned into BKE from PIE,
and you totally leaned back on to me.
i felt like i was doing the limbo.

sigh, and this is another reason why i can't wait to drive.
My Top 10 Reasons Why I Want to Drive NOW.
1) The Bloody Singapore transport system
2) Waiting for a darn bus for 30 mins or more
3) The long journey that takes 1 hr when you could have saved 45 mins if you drive
4) Irritating people on the buses
5) Irritating people on the trains (they're EVERYWHERE)
6) Getting breathed on by people
7) Having to breathe ON people (refer to above story)
8) Drivers who think they're racing at Sepang
9) Drivers who think it's appropriate driving at 10km/h
10) Taxi drivers who talk too much then went the wrong way and still insist you pay the price on the meter

see, Ministry of Transportation,
it's not that i don't want to go green.
in fact, i'm already quite a green person.
given how much i love the color green,
how much people think i look sickly green,
and how much i really really care about the environment.
no matter how much you make public transportation convenient and cheap,
and how you jack up the price of car ownership.
i'll choose to drive.
once i can and once i actually own such a machine.

anyway, this is my first post of the year.
take that, xiaoxi! i updated today!

but my gosh,
someone must be cursing me.
the year hasn't been well or good so far.
358 days to go...
woo. hoo.
peace.