Tuesday, May 29, 2007

urgh.

i hate myself sometimes.
and now is one of the time.
i don't understand why i am so mean.
and why i am so upset.
first, i'm mean cause i bullied xinyi.
i'm sorry again xinyi!
the thing is.
i have no idea why i'm sad.
even though i was kinda high during math today.
that is totally the work of the coffee.
i wasn't feeling that happy and high deep inside.
it just doesn't seem to end.
and no matter how much i tell myself to cheer up,
and how my friends around me kept on encouraging me,
it just doesn't go away.
it passes after some time,
then it just pops right back again.
which is why i totally hate myself.
i hate myself for being sad.
i hate myself for being such a grudge-bearing fool.
i hate myself for still not getting over it after so long.
i hate myself for sitting around and pitying myself.
i hate myself for not being able to get up and move on.
and i hate myself for ruining my own life.
i have all these great plans and ambitions.
but i am just too plain darned it lazy to pick up my lazy ass to work hard.
it's all happening in my dreams,
but i can't live in a dream.
which is why i totally hate reality.
i hate for the fact that i really should be moving on.
but i still hang on to it so tightly that it's slowly breaking myself apart.
the mere thought of it sends creeps all over me.
yet, i still can't let go of it.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
it's been years.
and it proved not to work.
it proved to be stupid and pointless.
it won't give me any happiness (i assume)
it will give me problems that i really do not have the time to care about.
it will definitely ruin me more.
it's been so long already.
i thought time will heal.
it's a cliche but i thought it's true.
it didn't though.
at least till now it hasn't.
i want to stop all these nonsense.
but i CAN'T.
and i don't know why.
i guess that knife you drew in hurts so much.
that even though it seemingly healed,
it left a scar that seems to open up and bleed now and again.
and the thing is some people choose to apply salt ALL OVER IT.
and then sealed my mouth shut so that i can't speak of it.
or maybe,
the knife is still there,
it never left.

but i guess i can't blame you.
because i believe you don't mean to do it.
that it probably happened because this is what happens,
i don't know whether it's this case,
but i choose to believe that you don't,
i want to carry on believing that.
cause it's way to painful to think otherwise.
that it's a lesson or maybe a blessing.
man, i don't know.

but i really really got to stop this pity party,
and drive on. move on.
i've got more important things to think about.
and i don't need these crap.
peace out.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 5/29/2007 05:14:00 PM

Monday, May 21, 2007

my third time!

man, i'm fickle-minded.
decided to change back to the same address afterall.
change is DEFINITELY not my thing.
so now i'm considering changing my skin again.
cause this skin is WAY too bright,
and i can't fit videos in properly.

and thanks to shuyi for your vote of confidence,
and thanks to my dearest platoonmates too.
for being ever so supportive of me. :)
i will endure and 拼!
will never ever ever let you guys down.
if not, i really am useless.

so i went to watch spidey the third time today!
YAHOO!
haha.
it was totally nice.
and i've got two really great people to share it with me.
shuyi and joe!
haha.
joe was darn funny at various parts of the film.
like when she jumped when eddie suddenly attacked MJ.
then both shuyi and her dripped their drink over their pinafore.
haha!
i wanted to watch it one more time,
since i've got another 4 tickets.
but mom says NO.
enough is enough.
she wants me to give up the tix to my sis.
bummer.
but it's alright, i guess.
cause i've fulfilled my goal of watching it thrice.
i think the more i watch, the better tobey looked too.
at least to me.
there are some angles where he looks really cute.
to spidey!
peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 5/21/2007 09:47:00 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

giving up

i finally understand why i had been so sad last time.
the bad moods are coming back,
and i'm trying really really hard to prevent them from coming.
i've been desperately keeping my chin up.
smiling at sad cases.
and trying to comfort myself that everything's fine.
i'm disillusioned.
seriously disillusioned.
nothing was ever fine.
all i did was not think about it,
but the problem is always there.
it never left at all.
i know i always build a wall around myself.
i never open up,
though i always want others to.
it's not that i don't want to.
i don't know how,
and i can never bring myself to it.
the sad thing is that i kinda make people around me worry.
especially my mom.
but i really can't help it sometimes.
it's not easy for me to open up to others.
and i was kinda disappointed today.
first, it was my chem.
then during act, after 1 year of taking over,
i realize that i haven't been doing a really good job after all.
which i thought i had,
after last december.
when can i get things done right?
and stop all these nonsense.
it sucks when you feel that you've given your best shot.
sacrificed so much.
only to be shot down at the very last stretch.
it's like running a race, and before reaching the finishing line,
you twisted your ankle,
and not only did not win the race,
did not finish it.
and limped out of the track.
beaten and angry.
it's not fair.
i know i should not be saying this but,
it's really not fair.
the good always become better.
and they keep winning and winning.
that we, losers, can NEVER EVER catch up.
no matter how fast we ran.
no matter how fierce we fought.
no matter how tired we tried.
no matter how much effort was given in.
the disappointment is the worst of all.
cause it just won't go away.
until you start to win again.
i only realized today that i've been deceiving myself all along.
and maybe i've deceived my family and friends into thinking that everything is alright.
that the worst has passed two years ago.
it's back.
or maybe it hasn't left.
and this is the kind of reason,
that really makes you want to drop everything and cry.
then run away.
only to realize that a lasso is thrown over you.
and you are being pulled all the way back.
the lasso doesn't seem to be positive.
it's a restriction.
it's a sign of power,
and you are helpless under it.
struggle and struggle.
until you are tired and just give up all hope.
then you realize that while so many people were trying to help,
while struggling, you accidentally knock out those who tried to set you free.
so now, it's the end.
peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 5/11/2007 09:48:00 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

thank you!

to you guys for celebrating my birthday,
even after a week.
THANK YOU!!!
today, hongru, xinyi, chrismin, priscilla, joejoe, ailing, shuyi and weirong celebrated my 16 years and 1 week anniversary at the same old place.
same area too.
and they got me a really nice tweety bird cake.
which was quite sad when we had to cut it.
haha...
and shuyi, priscilla, chrismin and xinyi gave me a spidey fan!
a real electronic fan.
which will be really useful next time the stupid air-con in the class breaks down.
thanks guys, once again...

oh, today was kinda slack.
we saw 4 movies.
not exactly 4 but still...
a geog film on cyclones.
a japanese art film on father-son relationship.
lord of the flies-- last 6 mins, inclusive of credits.
(i was kinda disappointed withe the ending...)
and saving private ryan.
which i've decided not to watch anymore.
cause tom hanks died and so did the sniper,
who is VERY familiar and totally cool and ruggedly dashing.
you should have seen his aim.
for a lousy shooter like me,
it's pure brilliance i tell you.
but at least they died with a cause,
after all, private ryan was saved.
though i hadn't seen him at all.
dang, i wanted to see matt damon.
i love war movies,
just not the blood, flying body parts and the dying people.
ESPECIALLY WHEN MY IDOLS DIE.
which ALWAYS HAPPEN.
peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 5/10/2007 09:30:00 PM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

you're a good woman and i'm a good man

firstly, i want to say a big thank you to everyone for a great birthday this year.
though it was in the exams, you guys made it seem like everything is ok!
thank you!!!
and for your presents too... :p
secondly,
i am SO HAPPY TODAY!
not because it is the end of mid years but...
today's a GREAT SPIDEY DAY!
i started my day terribly.
i didn't get amaths and was totally demoralised.
then,
HONG RU PRESENTED HER PRESENT FOR ME!!!
SPIDEY 3 OST!!!
boy, was i the happiest person ever.
and she printed a spidey picture, which cost her so much ink.
i have to agree.
she also gave me a spidey water squirter,
which she dug out from piles of milo cereal.
THANK YOU HONG RU!!!
and a big THANK YOU too,
to my dear platoonmates for sharing my joy in spidey with me today.
haha...
i'm so proud that you got to see spidey!
and i'm so proud that spidey touched hearts and even made a new fan.
haha, introducing, WINIFRED WONG: new and PROUD spidey fan!
haha.
spidey 3 is funny,
funnier than the second one,
which i thought had been funnier that the first,
which i thought had been funny enough.
SPIDEY IS A GOOD BOY!
and he rocks so much,
i punched myself accidentally watching the movie.
ANYWAY...
it was exhilarating.
i would so willingly go watch again with whoever who wants to watch it.
I'M ON for any spidey shows!
but i'll need a bit of financial assistance...

and i learnt many things today too.
you can't fight alone.
you'll always need a friend.
to count on.
because good things come in pairs.
and even threes, fours, or more.
while blood is thicker than water,
sometimes, good friends are also blood.
and in times of trouble, they'll always be there.
and friends will always pull you out from the dark.
so does your family.
cause eventually:
famliy=friends and friends=family.
no matter how much hurt or anger has been kept.

i also learnt to forgive.
they say forgiveness is the most powerful.
because forgiveness allows time to go back.
to erase all the bad,
and accept the good.

so who says watching movies are a waste of brainpower.
they taught me life lessons.
they always do...
especially spidey.
peace.