Friday, May 11, 2007
giving up
i finally understand why i had been so sad last time.
the bad moods are coming back,
and i'm trying really really hard to prevent them from coming.
i've been desperately keeping my chin up.
smiling at sad cases.
and trying to comfort myself that everything's fine.
i'm disillusioned.
seriously disillusioned.
nothing was ever fine.
all i did was not think about it,
but the problem is always there.
it never left at all.
i know i always build a wall around myself.
i never open up,
though i always want others to.
it's not that i don't want to.
i don't know how,
and i can never bring myself to it.
the sad thing is that i kinda make people around me worry.
especially my mom.
but i really can't help it sometimes.
it's not easy for me to open up to others.
and i was kinda disappointed today.
first, it was my chem.
then during act, after 1 year of taking over,
i realize that i haven't been doing a really good job after all.
which i thought i had,
after last december.
when can i get things done right?
and stop all these nonsense.
it sucks when you feel that you've given your best shot.
sacrificed so much.
only to be shot down at the very last stretch.
it's like running a race, and before reaching the finishing line,
you twisted your ankle,
and not only did not win the race,
did not finish it.
and limped out of the track.
beaten and angry.
it's not fair.
i know i should not be saying this but,
it's really not fair.
the good always become better.
and they keep winning and winning.
that we, losers, can NEVER EVER catch up.
no matter how fast we ran.
no matter how fierce we fought.
no matter how tired we tried.
no matter how much effort was given in.
the disappointment is the worst of all.
cause it just won't go away.
until you start to win again.
i only realized today that i've been deceiving myself all along.
and maybe i've deceived my family and friends into thinking that everything is alright.
that the worst has passed two years ago.
it's back.
or maybe it hasn't left.
and this is the kind of reason,
that really makes you want to drop everything and cry.
then run away.
only to realize that a lasso is thrown over you.
and you are being pulled all the way back.
the lasso doesn't seem to be positive.
it's a restriction.
it's a sign of power,
and you are helpless under it.
struggle and struggle.
until you are tired and just give up all hope.
then you realize that while so many people were trying to help,
while struggling, you accidentally knock out those who tried to set you free.
so now, it's the end.
peace.
then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 5/11/2007 09:48:00 PM