Tuesday, May 29, 2007
urgh.
i hate myself sometimes.
and now is one of the time.
i don't understand why i am so mean.
and why i am so upset.
first, i'm mean cause i bullied xinyi.
i'm sorry again xinyi!
the thing is.
i have no idea why i'm sad.
even though i was kinda high during math today.
that is totally the work of the coffee.
i wasn't feeling that happy and high deep inside.
it just doesn't seem to end.
and no matter how much i tell myself to cheer up,
and how my friends around me kept on encouraging me,
it just doesn't go away.
it passes after some time,
then it just pops right back again.
which is why i totally hate myself.
i hate myself for being sad.
i hate myself for being such a grudge-bearing fool.
i hate myself for still not getting over it after so long.
i hate myself for sitting around and pitying myself.
i hate myself for not being able to get up and move on.
and i hate myself for ruining my own life.
i have all these great plans and ambitions.
but i am just too plain darned it lazy to pick up my lazy ass to work hard.
it's all happening in my dreams,
but i can't live in a dream.
which is why i totally hate reality.
i hate for the fact that i really should be moving on.
but i still hang on to it so tightly that it's slowly breaking myself apart.
the mere thought of it sends creeps all over me.
yet, i still can't let go of it.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
it's been years.
and it proved not to work.
it proved to be stupid and pointless.
it won't give me any happiness (i assume)
it will give me problems that i really do not have the time to care about.
it will definitely ruin me more.
it's been so long already.
i thought time will heal.
it's a cliche but i thought it's true.
it didn't though.
at least till now it hasn't.
i want to stop all these nonsense.
but i CAN'T.
and i don't know why.
i guess that knife you drew in hurts so much.
that even though it seemingly healed,
it left a scar that seems to open up and bleed now and again.
and the thing is some people choose to apply salt ALL OVER IT.
and then sealed my mouth shut so that i can't speak of it.
or maybe,
the knife is still there,
it never left.
but i guess i can't blame you.
because i believe you don't mean to do it.
that it probably happened because this is what happens,
i don't know whether it's this case,
but i choose to believe that you don't,
i want to carry on believing that.
cause it's way to painful to think otherwise.
that it's a lesson or maybe a blessing.
man, i don't know.
but i really really got to stop this pity party,
and drive on. move on.
i've got more important things to think about.
and i don't need these crap.
peace out.
then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 5/29/2007 05:14:00 PM