Friday, January 23, 2009

life's like that.

my blog is often not updated.
but this month has been a surprisingly updated month.
i know most of you'll only visit my blog when:
a) you've got nothing better to do, why not check out yitong's blog to see if she's still alive,
b) eh well, i guess that was it...

for my friends who are reading this,
this post is just me ranting.
so take it lightly,
for i'm probably going to say some things that will probably make you guys confused,
upset,
concerned,
or maybe even disappointed.

but i really have got to let this out.
i'm tired,
i'm pissed,
and i'm seriously on the verge of breaking down.

the only reason i'm keeping my act together,
or trying to,
is 'cause i don't want you guys to worry.
i want to try to ride this one out myself.
i really don't mean to shut any of you up.
but i think if i were to talk to you guys,
i'll probably feel bad about making you guys worry.
and i know how busy everyone is,
so all the more i don't want to take up your time.

this is to all those who care,
if you see this,
this is what i'm going through.
i'm posting this publicly cause not many will see this,
plus i'm trusting only you guys to understand what i'm going through.
and i'm letting you in on what's going on,
so that you'll understand my reasons for not talking.
and also to tell you that i'll be ok.
or at least i hope so...

i honestly was praying for a good year.
but so far, the past 23 days were total crap.
i don't know if it's just expectations which i'm not living up to,
thus making me feel horrible.
or if my life this year will just be a hard and tedious one.

i am not coping well, guys.
i am going to be torn apart pretty soon.
but i don't want to give anything up.
because i've cleaned out all the things i don't care.
and all i'm left with are the ones i do.
which are quite enough to keep me on my toes at all times.

i've got my reasons for not giving any up.
but sometimes i really feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.
cause things just wouldn't go the way i want them to.
and it's at such times that the notion of giving up enters.
cause there didn't seem to be a point.

i didn't ask to do badly in my studies.
i asked for reasonably good grades and the ability to balance work and play.
i didn't ask to suck at soccer.
i asked for one-eight the confidence of torres.
i didn't ask to be upset.
i asked for laughter and joy.
i didn't ask to have to rush from places to places.
i asked for a perfectly organized schedule.

i tried hard to cheer up,
i really did.
but i just can't bring myself to be truly happy.
the only times i can laugh is when i'm surrounded by you guys.
and once i'm left alone,
and the stupid thoughts run through like bullets in an automated firing.
nothing seems to work on helping me be happy.

and this is my problem.
which i really need to sort out.
and i don't think anyone can help me.
i'm really sorry.

i'm really frustrated.
with myself,
and with my mother.
i KNOW that this year is CRUCIAL.
i KNOW that i EITHER MAKE or BREAK this year.
i KNOW that she's paying for my tuition so i have to make her money worth.
i want to work hard in my academics,
but i want to work hard for soccer, ncc and gor too.

i always wonder how those people do it.
they top the class without even flipping the darn books,
they rise up the ranks to be cca leaders,
then they pile themselves with activities after activities.
and still have time for friends and boy/girlfriends.

i can't even juggle two things.
i'm trying hard to be positive and stop reproaching myself.
but i'm seriously sick and tired.
i'm tired of always not being able to do my best.
i'm tired of being angry and upset.

i'm an idealistic cynic.
or a cynical idealist.
whatever.
oxymoronic as it sounds, i am that split.

i've got all these grand plans.
i know what i want,
or at least i think i know.
i've got a picture of my future.
i know where i want to be.
how my life, my house will be.

but i've always admired cynics.
take chandler from friends, for example.
his cynicism and wry never fails to crack me up.

but my grand plans are always merely plans.
and now, where it becomes crucial every decision i make:
i really don't want to screw things up.

i don't want to have to rebuke myself for a bad game.
i don't want to regret at the end of the year realizing that i can't make it to where i want to be.
i don't want to be upset that i led a lifeless, dead year.

i'm totally at my wit's end now.
and i'm barely holding on.

peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/23/2009 11:18:00 PM