Sunday, January 10, 2010

the world WAS beautiful.

it's been months since i graced this website.
i'm amaze that blogger bothers to retain my account.
i don't think anyone will read this but i really need an outlet.
i'm going nuts.
and this time it's my parents who are driving it.

there's a very good reason why i am actually keen on staying single and not have children:
i won't be responsible for anyone but myself.

this world is a creepy place.
and money drives this creepy place around.
you can get away with murder by having money, not a smile.

aren't parents suppose to provide for children?
i mean, don't people ever plan for this kind of things.
oh wait, that's why there are orphanages around.

so here's the thing.
children aren't supposed to worry about finances and financial situations right?
the last time i checked i am still my parents' child.
my mom even said i'm too young to drive. (when i am 18 and totally legal)

so then,
why did they tell me i have to get out of singapore?
why did they tell me about harvard, yale, princeton, ...?
when there seems to be no way i can enter such places without the ka-ching.

i don't see the money rolling in,
when my dad keeps saying next year we can buy this, do that, go there.
i don't buy any crap, do any shit or go anywhere.

i am freaking broke EVERYTIME and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

and my parents think i'm extravagant.

FINE. WE ARE THE AVERAGE MIDDLE INCOME FAMILY STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE IN THIS MONEY-DRIVEN INSANELY BACKSTABBING SHIT HELL HOLE.

seriously, what's up with these backstabbers?!
what good does sticking a knife in the back of someone who helped you when you're all wimpy and weak and shit do?
my gosh. what even inspired you to do something like that? the devil talked to you in your sleep?

ha. i'm saying all these on a SUNDAY. (i'm so going to hell)

so i'm worrying about money at 19.
does that mean i'm grown-up.
ha. no way, i've felt like that before.

and now i'm feeling guilty:
1) going to korea
2) applying to US colleges

i'm so going to suck the financial resources of my family dry.

and i get reprimanded by others (older adults in general): aiyo, haven't earn money, know how to spend money already.
guilt level: 10 out of 10.

so i'm lucky: i am healthy, educated and i have a roof over my head.
so i'm pampered: i'm going to korea with my parents' hard-earned money.

and others have money given to them to spend/travel/do whatever they want to.

GOSH. I NEVER HAVE A BREAK.
i have no school now, yet i feel more pressurized.

so they ask, why are you so negative towards marriage and children?
I HAVE A VERY VALID REASON.
i would want my kid to not have to worry about money until he/she is an independent individual.
that said, he/she would not have to worry about MY financial status either.
i would plan for his/her college education,
and have the finances to support wherever he/she wants to go.
and not put empty dreams in his/her head.

and if i'm just a godmom to my friends' kids,
i'll make sure i have money for them.
and make sure my friends PLANNED.

you need money to lead a simple life even.
THIS WORLD IS SHIT.
it didn't use to be.

i want to cry, but i can't.

peace.

then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 1/10/2010 11:44:00 PM