Thursday, September 02, 2010
that low feeling...
it's amazing how every time i come here to write a post, it's to rant and complain about how sucky my life is.
truth is,
i don't think my life really sucks..
i mean, as compared to those who have it worse than me.
like the starving kids in africa, the single parent struggling to keep her home straight.
my dear friend missing home in australia.
my other dear friend struggling with the exams.
i don't know what's wrong with me.
yes, i look like i'm enjoying life.
i look happy and all.
but it's all just on the outside.
i don't know..
it's not that i'm putting on a mask.
because, the people around me really do make me feel happy.
that sad little me is just buried.
and she comes out when i'm alone.
just like how now, no matter how hard i try, i can't help but feel upset.
i can't seem to memorize my lines for the presentation.
i can't seem to play soccer anymore.
i can't get my macbook pro to work for me.
how and why i went from being so confident and full of dreams to being so low in self-esteem and so unsure about myself, i really don't know.
i regret not being active in picking up sports when i was younger.
i regret not continuing with my art nor my music.
i regret thinking that i can do last minute work and get where i want to be.
i regret so much.
and i have no one to blame but myself.
i can't blame my parents cause they don't owe me.
i owe them a whole lot though.
i owe them so much i feel guilty and i don't know if i can ever repay them.
i can't blame my teachers coz they've been trying to help.
i didn't treasure their help.
i have only myself to blame.
and i've been an ass to my friends..
i'm always not there for anyone when i say that i'll be.
and maybe that's why i find myself here every time i'm feeling so low.
cause this is where i can rant and rant and rant without having to bother anyone since hardly anyone comes to this place anyway.
it's not that i don't want to talk to anyone,
but i really don't think i deserve to rant to any of my friends at this point of time.
so to whoever i care for who's reading this now,
i'm real sorry i didn't share these with you guys but i really don't deserve your time.
argh... i feel like crying.
but i really shouldn't...
i can't be weak...
cause then i'll be an even sadder state...
wish this is just a bad dream at times.
but on the other hand,
i do have it good.
i've got my family, my friends, i'm in a pretty solid uni..
i'm actually in a place where people will actually want to be..
so then,
why can't i be satisfied?
why can't i be happy?
apart from my hellish timetable and my inability to do just about anything,
i suppose i'm in a pretty good place..
haha..
wish i could run fast, wish i could play the drums, wish i wasn't tone-deaf, wish i wasn't born with two left feet, wish i could cook, wish i could write, wish i could draw, wish i could speak french or spanish, wish i were a good drinker, wish i were good in driving, wish i were talented at something!
wish i had the guts.
there are so many things i want to do.
but i keep giving up the idea,
and even if i embark on it,
i never seem to complete it.
4 years of secondary education,
2 more years in JC.
what did i learn in the end?
that i'm pretty pathetic?
yea, i gain new insights of myself being a loser with each day.
peace.
then spidey crashed into my room so i had to stop and see if he's ok at 9/02/2010 08:58:00 PM